Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Men vs. Women, Part 7

As promised, gents, here's a list of all too common bad habits of yours.

Bad Habit #1: Your powers of observation are. . .well, you don't have any. For example, I dyed my hair black sometime in March, I think (prior to that it was red). My doctor, who has seen me monthly since July, said last Monday: OMG, I LOVE the black hair! Holy damn, Dr. Lane. You just *now* noticed???? Unfortunately, stuff like this happens ALL the time with you guys. Especially if we're in a relationship with you. You *should* notice when we've done something different with our eye makeup. . .and especially our hair. If we are working hard to lose weight, you damned sure better notice and say something. You can spot a bad guy a gazillion yards off, hiding behind a building, on Call of Duty, but you can't notice our hair? Learn how to pay attention to something other than yourselves!

Bad Habit #2: Your manners and etiquette are atrocious. WHY must you ALL pick your noses? All the time? What is THAT about? I understand if you are three, but grown men? Keep your fingers out of your noses unless you are behind closed doors and have no witnesses (i.e., we do not care to see you pick your freaking nose). Further, forks are not back scratchers. It is inappropriate to lick your knife -- or your plate, for that matter. Use your knife rather than your finger to get that last bite on your plate. Chew with your mouth closed. Don't blow your nose at the table. Keep your feet off the furniture. Spitting is unnecessary, especially that nasty loogie suck and spit. You know what I'm talking about, and it is just disgusting. Also, for those of you that blow your noses and then look into your tissue like diamonds are going to fall out of your nose, STOP IT. O.M.G. Revolting. If you just need to look at your snot, don't do it in front of people. Belching and farting at the dinner table is inappropriate (and y'all know I think it's hilarious, but most women aren't amused.) Also, no one wants to see the foot long turd you just pooped except, perhaps, your moronic friends. Do not drag us into the bathroom to look at it.

Bad Habit #3: You constantly make jokes at our expense. You joke about our intelligence, our driving skills, our weight, etc. Guess what? You aren't funny. Brad used to drive me insane, talking about what a bad driver I am, when he had three accidents in a year! Did I have any? No. I am not a bad driver; I am an aggressive driver. There is a difference. You wouldn't appreciate it if we made fun of you -- in public or not -- and told you your bedroom skills were mediocre or that you had a little package. Stop making fun of us. And frankly, if you are dumbass enough to make fun of a woman's weight, you deserve to wake with your buttcheeks waxed shut.

Bad Habit #4: You are The Biggest Whiners EVER when you are sick/hurt. O.M.G. You are suddenly rendered even more useless than normal when you are sick or hurt. But if we're sick, we get "shake it off, darlin'." We are forced to cater to you, and I know one girl who even gave her man a bell so he could summon her as needed. After my tubal, my ex left me by myself, on an Ambien, WITH THE BABY. When he did return, he let me sleep but played xBox until I woke up - he never got my pain pills. If I'd done that to him, he would've shot me the second I returned. And you are such babies about every tiny cut unless you got it in a manly way. Yet you adamantly refuse to go to the doctor? No wonder women got saddled with the whole childbirth experience. You wusses couldn't hang. So man up, for heaven's sake. No one wants to see her man whine his way through a pedicure or a cold.

Bad Habit #5: Selective hearing. You wonder why women act crazy? This is why. When we need to talk to you about something important or when we need you to do something, you don't hear us. But the second we stomp all the way upstairs and mutter "jackass" under our breath, we'll hear you yell, "What was that? Huh? Jackass, you say?" I can tell you from experience it is a serious battle not to stomp back down the stairs and scream in your face. And it doesn't always have to be an angry situation. "Hey, honey?" "Mmm, hmm," with eyes glued to the TV, which is on a commercial. "How about we get your dad cigars for Christmas?" "Mmmm hmmm." "And let's get my dad a new scope." *grunt* "Or how about (tiny squeaky fart). OMG, EXCUSE ME! I am so embarrassed." Man is now laughing himself into hysterics. If she says right now, "So you'll pick up those gifts for us, right?" he isn't going to have a freaking clue what she's talking about because he heard nothing of what she said; he just heard the tiny little fart. If you can't listen and do something else, then stop trying to multi-task. Pay attention, for the love. You cannot expect our undivided attention (which you most certainly do) and refuse to give it to us, too.

Bad Habit #6: Underdressing. Gentlemen, a t-shirt, cargo shorts and flip flops is not date attire. Unless we're going to a water park or an outdoor concert/BBQ. Put on a nice pair of jeans. A collared shirt. Shoes that don't show your toes. And shave, for heaven's sake. For those of you that wear ripped up jeans and a wallet on a chain, unless you are a biker or 18, it's time to let that "fad" go as it is absurd. It isn't going to kill you to dress nicely. We don't expect you to wear a tie out unless it's a big occasion or a wedding, but we do want you to look nice. Sloppy and grungy 100% of the time is not nice. Oh, and for you gents with plumber butt issues, invest in a belt!

Bad Habit #7: Gawking. Okay, seriously, put your eyes back in your head. And stop pointing, you are embarrassing us! If the waitress is hot, please do not pretend you weren't looking at her. It is also unnecessary to fall in the floor trying to get a better look at her butt while she walks away. Alternatively, yes, honey, I see her hair. No, no, I do not know what possessed her to leave the house like that, but pointing is rude and embarrassing. Let's just giggle to ourselves and not ensure the entire restaurant knows and is now laughing at you for having the manners of a goat.

Bad Habit #8: If we make plans, and something happens that makes it so you are unable to go, 1. let us know as soon as possible. Don't wait until we ask you what time you'll be there to tell us. This is unbelievably rude and inconsiderate. You know damned good and well most women doll up before we go out. The last thing we want is to get all fixed up then have you tell us five minutes before the appointed time "oh, hey, I got tied up at work." 2. Have the stones to CALL us and cancel the date. Texting? It's definitely not okay. Again, you pansies, cowboy up.
3. Stop waiting for us to ask before you tell us. Unless you are trying to prove you aren't interested. Which is cool, because just about every woman I know will mark a man off the list after this.

Bad Habit #9: "I forgot." This is your excuse for everything. From "forgetting" that we asked you take the garbage out, to "forgetting" our anniversary, to "forgetting" to pick up diapers for the baby, and everything in between. There is absolutely no way -- no way in hell -- you guys truly forget as often as you say you do. Unless you have early onset Alzheimer's or adult ADHD. And if you do forget that often, take your ass to the doctor and find out what is not working properly in your brain because it isn't normal to forget things like that. And for those of you that don't actually forget, stop procrastinating and just do what needs to be done.

Bad Habit #10: Omitting things. You might either not feel it is important or feel it is none of our business, but when we're in a committed relationship, it's our business. For example, you get reprimanded at work and don't say anything. You screw up again, get fired, and we're totally blindsided because you didn't tell us you got in trouble! Or, friends invite us out and you automatically say no because you don't want to go -- instead of us making a decision together. Have any of you seen the movie Obsessed? That man's lies of omission got his child kidnapped and his wife almost killed. I realize that's severe and not likely to happen, but the possibility is there. We don't need to know what you ate for lunch, or if the post office girl flirted with you -- but we do need to know if someone acts completely inappropriately. Another example: last night Matt got up and said he'd be right back. After he left, Christa started talking about how hungry she was. I said hey, I thawed some chicken, how about I make stir fry? She agrees and I go start dinner. Matt comes back when I am about half finished -- with groceries. He went to get something to cook for dinner. But he didn't tell me, the other person who cooks the most.

Bad Habit #11: Tardiness. WHY are you always late? Get a watch. Set an alarm. Put down the xBox controller. And be on time.

Bad Habit #12: Fat men, fat women. (This one drives me absolutely insane.) Scenario: You are 50-100+ pounds overweight. You have a gut so big, people are convinced you are going to give birth to an elephant. Yet you absolutely refuse to even glance twice at a woman who also has a weight issue. Why? "I don't date fat women." Well, most women I know aren't automatically interested in a man so fat that you can't see his business for the beer belly, but we certainly don't mind some fluff on a man. If you are fat, you do not get to discriminate against fat women (grossly obese is something altogether different, unless you are also grossly obese). There are plenty of sexy, beautiful, larger women out there that you'd be lucky to be with. Charlotte Coyle is stunning. Kate Dillon is a gorgeous, gorgeous redhead. Queen Latifah is fabulous. Crystal Renn will make your jaw drop. Mia Tyler, Liv Tyler's sister -- also a looker with some chub. Granted, the afore-mentioned women are all models. I'm considered plus-size and I *know* I'm pretty. And I can't tell you how many times men (round ones 'cause we know that's my type) have looked at me with utter revulsion because I've got hips. Their loss, of course. But you don't get to expect a beautiful, skinny, stunning woman to want to be with you when you're a lard ass. Stop being shallow jerks and look around you.

And that is all for now.

1 comment:

  1. okay, can I just tell you how much of a guy I am and didn't even know it?!?! HA! I'm always forgetting everything, I don't dress up unless I have to (I don't really have a lot of clothes to choice from) I totally don't hear half the things people say (if I'm at home and relaxing) and I totally stare at people. Hell, half the time I point out the hot waitress to my husband (not that he didnt' already notice, just think he didn't want to be the one to admit he noticed the rack on her) HA...My Bad

    now, on a different note - I've been bled on, puked on, peed and pooped on (I have a kiddo) and I've seen a few things that would make most people lose thier lunch. That being said. I HATE SPIT. I can't stand it. I LITERALLY makes me sick...don't know why. But I just can't handle it. That and spiders....thier just nasty