Monday, July 27, 2009

Men vs. Women, Part Two

In continuation of last week's blog, I will now address one of the top three complaints women have about men (yes, it is my number one complaint about my ex, but nearly every woman polled had the same complaint.) Before I begin, and before I get hate mail, let me say this: this does not apply to all men. Nor does it apply to all women. Some men are clean freaks. Some women are slovenly. Some moms are fantastic and taught their boys how to be (my moms, for example). Yes, yes, I know all that. I am speaking in generalities. Also, please put on your sarcasm raincoat because this baby is dripping sarcasm.

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Dudes -- you're frigging lazy.

Seriously. You are l-a-z-y. When we both come home from a long, hard day at work, what is it in your little minds that makes you think it is okay to park your butts on the sofa and sit, in a semi-catatonic state, until dinner hits the table? And then return to said semi-catatonic state the minute you've finished shoveling food into your piehole? Seriously?

"Well, I have a job that involves physical labor and/or working outside."

I honestly don't care if you have a job that involves physical labor or if you work outside. You chose that job just like I chose one that didn't involve a field or a factory. That being said, I WORK FOR ATTORNEYS. Do you honestly believe my job isn't just as hard as yours? Do you think because you swing a hammer that what you do is somehow more difficult than mine? I'd like to see you swing a hammer in a skirt and five inch heels. Or carry boxes of files up and down stairs in the same skirt and five inch heels. In fact, I'd like to see you have to put your brain to use on a daily basis. It doesn't take a lot of brain power to pour concrete. Come do my job for a day -- hell, half a day -- and I guarantee you after dealing with prima donnas (not my attorneys, of course) all day you'll be literally begging to get back outside in the heat. The first time you are asked to draft a pleading, you will panic.

Listen up. Women were not, contrary to popular belief, put on this earth to baby you. I, personally, wasn't put on this earth to do your laundry, do the grocery shopping, pay all the bills, cook, clean, and basically do everything while you sit on your lazy ass and watch television. I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER. I do have a son and believe me when I say this -- he's not going to be babied, either. He will learn to do for himself because (excuse me while I channel Scarlett O'Hara) as God as my witness, I will NEVER raise an ungrateful, spoiled, lazy, dependent man like most mothers do. You can bet your sweet ass on that.

And this, gentlemen, is why so many of us cannot stand your mother. Your mother created a demon and then turned him loose on the masses. Especially you guys under thirty. I don't know why, but for whatever reason, your mothers have done America a great disservice with you. If you manage to become a productive member of society, it'll be by the sheer grace of the gods. Some of you will actually have work ethic and a career. Most of you won't. Most of you will think your crap doesn't smell and be content to bounce around from meaningless job to meaningless job, never getting higher education, and basically screwing your life away because Mommy says it's okay. Even Bobby Boucher wanted to go to college and be someone important! Even Bobby Boucher stood up to his mother eventually, and she was a whack job -- and he was SLOW! (Can you tell I watched The Waterboy last night?)

I am sure it must be nice to have dinner magically appear on the table, to have your laundry come back clean and folded, to get to shower and poop in a clean bathroom without having to do it yourself -- but listen to me when I say this: it breeds resentment. So suddenly, your normally sweet and fun-loving wife has turned into Spawn of Satan. And you don't seem to put two and two together. WHY? It's not rocket science, gentlemen. And even if it were that difficult to figure out, when your wife/girfriend/etc. is in the kitchen, slamming cabinet doors and stomping around while you are sitting in your recliner watching "Grey's Anatomy," it is undoubtedly a sign that you are (again) messing up royally.

You guys have to understand. For most women (there are notable exceptions), our home is our "nest." The beauty of our home is a reflection upon us. For example, when I moved into my ex's home, it was a pit. It screamed, "I have no personal pride." I *do* have personal pride. Quite a bit of it, in fact. It is hard to be proud of the place you live when it is constantly dirty and in a state of disrepair. It is also hard for a woman to be proud of your tacky collection of boob shot glasses or stuffed animals. We realize you guys are going to be childish in some ways from now until eternity. We do not believe our homes need to advertise said childishness. Your time to advertise your childishness is addressed in Men vs. Women, Part One.

Further, how about you show a little gratitude? A little gratitude goes a LONG way. And I will be the first to tell you if you show me gratitude and make me feel appreciated and loved, I'll pick up your socks without another thought. It's when not only do you not do a damned thing to help around the house, you also show zero love, appreciation and affection. You ungrateful slobs. :)

How about you offer to do the grocery shopping? Pay the bills? How about you say, baby, you made dinner; allow me to do the dishes? How about you do ANYTHING house related that says you care about her feelings and what is important to her is important to you? Why you guys don't realize that the faster things get done and the more you help means more time to play is beyond me. It is not that difficult to help out every night. The majority of us do the major cleaning one day a week. That means for every other day, the things that must be done daily or every other day are the following: dinner, dishes, garbage, laundry, put things away. That's it. In fact, it is so simple that while one party is making dinner, the other party can be doing laundry, putting things away (especially the baby's stuff), etc. It is my practice to unload the dishwasher while making dinner. I also tend to load as I cook. So why is it so hard to put the food away and put the remaining dishes in the dishwasher? And why is it something you are going to put off until right before bed? We're taking ten minutes of work!

Recently, I saw a man absolutely throw a fit over having to do the dishes. He said several times: I'm not her bitch. WHAT? Let me get this straight. She got up, made you breakfast, and then had the sheer audacity to ask you to do the dishes, to which you actually agreed -- and then got mad because you let them sit there for three days? Really?

Further than that, *we* (typically) don't make those kind of messes. Sure, we'll leave hair products and/or makeup strewn over the bathroom counter in a rush to get to work (well, I don't, but some women do). But you are never going to find our fast food garbage in the floor in the living room. You aren't going to find the clothes we wore to work draped over the dining room table like it's decor. You aren't going to find dishes that have been in the sink so long they smell. Remember back when we were dating and you came over to our apartment? Remember what it looked like? We do. We think back to our clean and tidy apartments with longing. Dishes got put in the dishwasher immediately. The bathroom stayed clean. We spent an hour cleaning every Saturday and the entire place was spotless. We did laundry every other day, sometimes less, and then it was one load. Sure, sometimes there will be dirty laundry in the floor. Sometimes the bathroom trash will be overflowing. Personally, my biggest problem is ironing. You can almost always find a laundry basket full of crap to be ironed somewhere in my bedroom (except right now because I ironed it all yesterday, w00t!). My point is our messes are completely different from your messes. And you guys know it -- or should if you come equipped with powers of observation.

Gentlemen, another thing -- you whine and moan about us nagging. Why do you think we nag? Could it be *gasp* because you aren't helping us?

In short, we ain't your momma. If we were, we'd've had the sense to raise you better. So do us all a favor, and get your behind out of the recliner and help. It'll only make both of our lives easier.

Unless your goal is to make your wife hate you. In that case, sit there like a dead man and just wait because I assure you, every shred of love she had for you will disappear like David Blaine and then you'll be free to live like a pig in slop.

Next week: sex. Or lack thereof.

3 comments:

  1. So True, So True, Amy. I actually had to copy and paste snippets from your blog and email them to my husband.

    He can see that:
    A. It's not abnormal for me to feel/act the way I do regarding these situations and

    B. You are a fucking slob and I'm beginning to resent the hell out of you.

    Once again, another blog well done!

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  2. So true in so many ways!~!!! So what is the answer, the solution??? I had to retrain mine after him living with his Mother!!! Yes, I have been with him going on 36 years in December and he is a neat person, and will take out the trash on his own....Thank goodness for that!!!! He also does his own laundry... Just turn his underware pink ( in 1973) and then he will not want you to do it ever again!!! LOL

    My husbands Mother never let him lift his finger once, so in order to not go insane, I had to retrain him!!!! That is the key...

    Men are basically pretty simple, and alot alike. I raised a husband, two boys, one brother, helped with my Father (LOL), so I have a fairly good idea how they work!!!!

    I also feel it is very very important to know the kind of person you are marrying, if at all possible!!!

    There are ways to know, trust me!!! Not all people fit!!

    So many younger women today, are so all fired up to get married, it makes my stomach turn. Make Toatlly sure!!! No there is NEVER a guarantee girls, but realize what you are getting into. Are you ready for a slob or a lazy ass that Momma didn't want to train????? Are you willing to train him??? You better have lots of endurance for it. You all have heard the saying "Love is blind", well now you know why they came up with that phrase!!!!When reality sets in, it hits you like a ton of bricks!!!
    I am all for marriage to work, but it does however take two people working together!! You may not have married the team player!!!

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  3. I fully agree with what you're saying - most men have been taught little to no responsibilty, and even less empathy.

    My only reservation is, as I said in my response to your query on complaints about women, that for all the talking women are known to enjoy, rarely are the important things said. It's all about honesty and communication (which does not include the sort of nagging that is supposed to imply what you really mean).

    Obviously, Joe-Shmoe McPieceoshit's mother had an inability to tell him straight off that he was lazy/arrogant/inconsiderate/boorish and make him shape up as a person. So ladies, when you meet good ol' Joe, and you see right away or shortly into the relationship that he's accomplished very little as a human being thanks to that, you have one of two options:

    1) Leave him, then and there.
    2) Tell him when he needs to help, and why. Don't antagonize his mother about it. Don't just call him a lazy putz without explaining why the ignorant, ill-raised man should be doing anything other than what he was taught. Tell him. This does NOT involve getting in his face over shit that doesn't have anything to do with why you're really pissed off. This is where most mismatched couples go wrong. Without intending any personal offense, do you simply write about these things and bitch to others when Brad does something shitty, or do you actually, truly TALK to him about the issue at hand? If so, and he's still that way, then I for one say it's time to call the relationship over, and spare wasting air about it. If not, give it a try. Many women would be surprised just how great at communication some men turn out to be.

    But then, everybody's a douchebag. :)

    ReplyDelete