Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Men vs. Women, Part Four

Let's talk about sex, baby/let's talk about you and me/let's talk about all the good things/and the bad things that may be/let's talk about sex ~Let's Talk About Sex, Salt N Pepa

This one is directed to the ladies. Gentlemen, breathe easy. Sit back, read and enjoy. You guys should love this one.

Girlfriends. Simply put: you aren't giving it up like you should.

I realize things change. I realize when you're working all day then taking care of the kids and the house and all the cooking and cleaning, the last thing on your mind is having sex. You're tired. I get that. If you've been following along, you *know* I get that. A lot of you are reading this and thinking, "Well, if he'd get up off his dead ass and help me, maybe I'd want to do it more often," And for you gentlemen following along, that is absolutely true. However, for you women who are thinking it -- since when did two wrongs make a right? Just like it is wrong for him to sit on his ass and not help, it is equally wrong for you to give it up once every 6-8 weeks. Here's your opportunity to be the better person.

Sex is integral to a relationship. For women, it's an emotional thing (and a pleasure thing). That's why when it's really, really, REALLY good, some of us cry. We cannot help it, and you should not freak out. In fact, getting up and beating on your chest Tarzan style would be appropriate. This is also why we need some cuddle time. Get over it. You can give us five minutes (anything longer than that is excessive, ladies). For men, not only is it a pleasure thing, it is primal. They *need* it. And for both sides, it reminds them that you think they are sexy and good at it and that you love them and want to keep them happy. Either way, both people need the connection. So ladies, by refusing to do it, not only are you doing your spouse an injustice, you are doing yourself one, too. You need the connection. Because if you don't have sex to look forward to, all you've got is a lazy stinky man sitting on the couch playing video games. How are you supposed to stay in love with that???? I am sure it can be done, but it's going to be a heckuva lot easier if you're getting the Big O several times a week.

Women, stop complaining that you don't feel like it. Stop complaining that your libido is gone. That's utter crap. Remember that old Frito Lay's commercial? You can't eat just one? Sex is the same way. Get it once, reach the finish line. . .and you'll be surprised the next day when you are ready again. So what do you do? YOU DO IT AGAIN. Every time you're in that mood, DO IT. Remember back before you had kids and reality hit you like a Mack truck? Remember how you wanted to do it all the time? Remember how you could be at work and think OMG, I want him NOW? Remember the freaky little text messages you'd send? Your libido was out of control then -- because you were doing it regularly. If you don't do it for a while, it becomes less and less and less. It's like any gift -- if you neglect it, you eventually lose it.

So how do you crank your libido back up on your own? Well, the hubs helping around the house would *definitely* help, but take matters into your own hands, so to speak. There are all kinds of fun lotions and potions and lubes, etc., out there for you. Start by molesting your hubby. If you need help getting turned on, figure out what works. As something to note, women are usually auditory, meaning that what will turn most of us quickest on is sound, rather than a visual (men, naturally, are visual).

And make no mistake -- sex is a gift. NOT a chore.

Personally, I don't think it is unreasonable to want it 3-4 days a week at the minimum. Sometimes it doesn't work this way, and I know that. But it should most of the time. And I do not believe we've got to do it at midnight every time. In fact, with me, 10 p.m. is when my nether regions turn into a pumpkin -- usually. Don't wait until I am in bed half asleep to even mention it. And sure, you can wait until the kids are asleep. Or you can park them on the couch with a video and go get it on in the shower. Or you can get up half an hour earlier every morning. Or here's an idea -- lunch hour. If it is feasible for you to meet at lunch, then do it. You don't have to do it in the bedroom, either!

And not to be crude or anything (although if you are reading this blog, you probably know me pretty well), but what is it with you ladies skipping the oral activities all together? I realize it takes a lot longer to warm up our engines, so to speak, but dang. He needs some foreplay, too. Not every time, but certainly more than just on your anniversary! I realize sometimes you are so hot for each other, there is no foreplay whatsoever, but most of the time, unless you are very, very fortunate, it doesn't work that way. Just because he can salute you within seconds of seeing you naked doesn't mean he wants you to skip his fun parts.

Another issue: why rush? The "climb on, do your thing, get off me" attitude isn't scoring you any points with him, nor is it helping you at all. Sure, if you can both win a gold in seven minutes flat, go for it. Just not every time. Nor is it acceptable to fake or not even try to get yourself there. If you are someone who truly has issues achieving the Big O, then you need to see a doctor. If everything's copacetic, then you have to be willing to try other stuff out. Because just like it sucks for you not to be able to get there, again, your man probably isn't impressed with it, either. He probably feels like a failure to some extent. Sometimes you've got to send the kids to a sitter's and take your time with it and play. To hell with dinner. Light some candles and get naked! Relax and enjoy. That's what it is supposed to be about, you know. Enjoyment for both of you.

The benefits of having a regular sex life are phenomenal.

1. You will be in a better mood. Who can have an orgasm and *not* feel like a million bucks?
2. You will feel sexier as a woman.
3. It can also be quite powerful. In the beginning, I could bite my ex in one particular place on his neck, and he was ready to go NOW NOW NOW.
4. He'll be in a better mood, which totally affects you.
5. You will be closer as a couple.
6. Ladies -- it's exercise. No matter how you go about it, you're working your abs, hip flexors, thighs, etc. I don't mind sweating on a treadmill, but for those of you that do, this is a much more enjoyable way to do it, no?

So stop saying no every time the man gets frisky. Do you know what you are doing when you say no? You are rejecting him. Oh, yes, I said it. You are rejecting him. I am sure you remember what it feels like to be rejected. Now think back to how many times you have told him no about sex. How on earth do you think he feels? This man is the love of your life. You made babies with him. And you're rejecting him? I hope you perpetrators of this crime feel guilty as hell. You should. In fact, you should feel so guilty that you go home and attack him. Twice for good measure. *

No one wants to be rejected. And never, ever, ever, EVER forget that there are buzzards and vultures out there, disguised as women, just waiting to steal your man. Why open that door?

Now, before you get all huffy, I know that sometimes you just cannot bring yourself to have sex. Migraines, for example. Regular headaches? Not a good excuse. You know why? Because sex will get rid of that headache. No kidding. If you are truly, physically ill, then you are excused. If the kids are ill and you've been home with them all day, you are excused, too. However, if you want to, then do it. Stop squelching that urge!

In addition, I do not know where it is written in Woman Law that we cannot initiate sex. We can, and we should. This isn't the 1900s. We've discovered the G spot, for heaven's sake. If that doesn't give us the right to be wanton, I don't know what does. It might be the man's job to carry out the garbage, but it is certainly not his job to initiate every single time we have sex.

I also do not know where it is written in Woman Law that we must *only* do it with the lights off. Okay, okay. We are uncomfortable with our bodies (thank you, Playboy and porn). I get that, and I empathize because I've been the same way. But when you are in a comfortable, loving relationship with someone, why is it so hard to believe he loves you just like you are? He doesn't care about your stretch marks from the baby or the dimples on your butt. He loves you because you are a real woman. So turn the lights on. Light some candles. Whatever. But let him see you. And take the opportunity to see him and pay attention to him. I promise you'll like what you see.

Also, last but not least, it is not against the rules to "direct traffic," so to speak. If something doesn't feel good, then speak up. There is no need to be hateful or embarrassed. A simple, "you know, try it here" or "that other thing felt better" is fine. And if it does feel good, say so. You ladies have got to stop making the poor guy run blind. His anatomy is pretty simple. Yours is like a Rubik's cube with half the stickers missing - and everyone's is different!

Now, gentlemen, a word of advice for you:
1. Please, for the love of Pete, if you've been working manual labor all day, shower before you try to get frisky. And brush your teeth. We have no desire to taste what you ate for lunch or smell your sweaty butt.
1. Grabbing our boob is not foreplay. Look it up.
1. You can get creative, too, you know. Your woman might not be ready to go at it outside in the backyard, but I bet if you throw a towel down, you can convince her to do it in your rocking recliner. It's a start, right?
1. Compliment us more. Again, it's an emotional thing for us. Make us feel pretty, and you're going to get it more often.
1. Go back and read the post about laziness. Now read it again. Bookmark it. Read it every day. Now take what you've learned and change the way you behave.
1. If you are the one holding out, stop it. Unless you are gay. And if you are gay, let her go. No straight man should ever turn down sex. If you seriously don't want to do it and you are seriously not gay, take yourself to the doctor. Something could be wrong physically or mentally. Go and have things ruled out.
1. Take your time. I realize every man's goal (and mine, too, shutup) is to beat your fastest time, but you have to remember in this case, someone else is along for the ride and you need to focus there.
1. And if, by chance, you launch over the finish line and leave her still climbing the hill, DO NOT STOP. I don't care if you are hungry. You finish what you started; a sandwich can wait. You've got hands and a mouth. Use them. Heck, let her do it herself because she knows better than you do, but you stay with her. Help her finish.

And yes, I realize those are all labeled number one. They are all equally important.

Next week? I'm not sure yet. But it will be a continuation of Men vs. Women!

* This goes for the male hold-outs, too.


  1. I laughed my ass off about the rubik's cube analogy. I agree with every bit of this one whole-heartedly. Except the goal of beating your fastest time. I was always more one for build-up and real foreplay, so quickies typically are not so quick! Hahaha.

  2. Holy crap Amy, I nearly pissed myself with the rubiks cube with half the stickers missing comment. That's so funny, and soooo true. If I've learned anything in preparation for marriage someday it's that communication is key and that women are allowed to like it, want it and even, GASP, initiate it. Keep blogging girl, You're doing awesome!