Self-reflection

In the past seven months, I have written seven blogs on myspace in which I talk about the things that are wrong with me. I've written about my anger issues; my poison pen; my depression; my ability to hold a grudge; etc. A former acquaintance said yesterday: Reading through your blog re-illustrates that you still don't think you did much wrong and once again, it is only one side of the coin.

I guess I could re-post all those other blogs from my myspace to here, but that seems like a lot of work to prove someone I don't even like wrong, you know? Plus, he's proven he cannot comprehend what he reads, so he wouldn't get it anyway.

So let's talk about my issues.

1. Anger. Boy, do I have a problem with this. In the past, I've exhibited what my therapist refers to as a "hot rage." I lash out, usually verbally, and pile on the abuse for whatever poor person managed to anger me. If someone insults me publicly, it used to springload me to the pissed off position FAST. In fact, said person from above has seen that with his own two eyes. I have one hell of a poison pen. Now, unfortunately, I have "cold rage." This is when you turn the rage inward instead of outward. Instead of lashing out at others, I mentally lash out at myself. Until I cry for hours. Before we got my meds straightened back out after having Connor, it would get so bad, all I could think about was killing myself. I am working on finding a happy medium. I have faith I will get there. I just hope I do it in time to not teach this behavior to Peanut Man.

2. Grudges. This goes right along with anger. I will usually give you three chances to screw me over, then I'm done with you. And I mean I am *done* with you. Sometimes this isn't such a bad thing, depending on the offense. But if I cut someone off in the hot rage phase, I figure I need to revisit the issues. Like a girl who my best friend and roommate and she lost her mind (she owns that this was her fault). I cut her off for two years. Now we are close again. This has happened with several people -- but only people I liked. If I didn't like you from the beginning, AND you screwed me, yeah, I'm still done with you.

3. Logic. I am always logical. This is a great trait, in that it means I rarely run on emotions (except that pesky anger one) and I have great problem solving skills. On the other hand, I am too logical. I do not just play. I keep myself grounded, never use my imagination or creativity or play games. Can you imagine how boring I am going to be as a mom if I don't stop this? OMG. We've started playing board games (like nightly, seriously). I am having a blast, and it feels really, really good to just play. I think I can get the hang of this. :)

4. Mean. When someone angers me or hurts me, I tend to be as mean as a snake. I say anything and everything that comes to mind. I am also an expert at sarcasm. Unfortunately, I am truly good at it. And then, after the fire is out, I am positively ashamed. O.M.G. WHY do I do this? What possesses me to be so damned hateful to those I love? I will let you know what the therapist says about this. I've got to get this one knocked out before Connor gets much older as well. And holy damn, I have a knack for writing nasty things. My old blogs were naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasty about people. I don't write like that anymore. For a long time, I stopped blogging altogether because they were always used against me. That was a bad, bad idea for me because that is where I could let it all out without fighting with my husband. When I stopped blogging, we suddenly fought every day. Coincidence? I think not. If I have something nasty to write out, only select people (if anyone) get to read it. I can't tell you how many shitty responses I have written out to Josh and Michelle. Like 100, at least. I just have to keep reminding myself they don't know anything about anything and they are beneath me. *I* don't have people like that in my life. I do have standards.

5. Apologies. Ooooooo, I *hate* having to apologize. I really, really, really do. Ugh. But if there is anything I learned with my ex, it's that sometimes, not only do you have to apologize when you do wrong, sometimes you have to apologize when you did nothing wrong, too, just to keep the peace. Boo.

6. Pride. Oh yes. I have WAY too much of this. It's one of the seven deadly sins, you know. I am way too proud. There isn't a whole lot to say about this.

7. I am slightly obsessive compulsive. I type my grocery list, by aisle, for heaven's sake. In chart form! One of the things I had to do while I lived with Brad was loosen my standards. I had to relax about clean. I bent as far as I could without breaking. Our pastor told us that we had to compromise. I needed to relax, and he needed to raise his standards. So I did what I could. In the end, he broke me. We never reached a compromise. I'd ask him to help and he'd throw a tantrum. So yeah. I did as much as I could. Anyone who ever visited my apartment and then visited my ex and I later will tell you that holy damn, did I ever relax as much as I could. So see? I can work this one out. It's cool.

8. Have you ever tried to reason with me when I am angry? Good luck with that. I am an obstinate ass. I refuse to listen. I cannot comprehend anyone else's point of view. Only mine. I figured out how to deal with this one, though. I walk away. Usually, I take a drive, until I cool off. If it is a huge offense, you're probably going to get the silent treatement for a couple of days. Then I will sit down and talk with you, when I am no longer angry and I can talk without saying something in anger that would make me have to do number 5. Most of the time, I can make it through it. Sometimes I cannot. But I am definitely getting better with that one.

9. I talk way too damned much.

10. I have a horrible penchant for falling for a man who needs saving. Heck, I do this with people in general. I pick the broken, wounded ones. I can see it in their eyes, and I'm a goner. I want to protect, shield, defend, fix. I am everyone's mom. I am the one people come to when they need help. It is very hard to do, but I am only nurturing and protecting Connor now. No one else. The rest of you are grownups and can do it for yourself. I will help you if I can, but when I start losing myself to you, I quit. That is what happened with my ex and I. I was so busy taking care of him that I forgot to take care of myself.

11. Failure. I have an irrational fear of failure. I think that is why this has been so terribly hard on me. Because I feel like I failed. I feel like I failed Brad, myself, my parents, our friends, and most importantly, our son. Is it all my fault? No. Is it all his fault? No. But I'm the one who feels like I failed. I'm the one who can't eat. I'm the one who cries daily. I'm the one whose heart was broken. No matter how many times I am told this isn't all my fault, and no matter how many times I am told I'm not a failure because I did try so hard, I still feel like I am. And it's killing me.

And as the waterworks just started again, I think that is enough self-reflection for the day.